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What's been gawn on?

UK politics has been an absolute circus act north and south of the border of late.

First, we had the pantomime in Westminster after it was revealed that 16 parties went on in Downing Street during lockdown. Civil servants right up to the Prime Minister himsel were treating Downing Street like a non-cooncil Club Tropicana… the drinks wereny quite free but you didny have to pay when you got there, you simply brought yer ain.

Meanwhile, we’re getting battered wi statistics about the hunners of thousands that are dying every day and orders to lock ourselves in our homes. You’d have scenes reminiscent of mission impossible for the simplest things like ordering a scran in… yer auld man puts on these gloves and tries to slide the pizza onto a plate without touching the box. We’re aw staying two metres away fae the pizza box and tumbling over chairs n that if yer da comes any closer wi it. Then there’s operation get rid ae the box… trying to double bag it so it canny spread elsewhere. Yer da’s scraped the box wi his arm and ends up shouting at the box telling it where to go… and dropping it in the process out of frustration. Everyone else in a spectator capacity during this scenario has noticed the box then touches the flare. Yer da tries to usher it into the bin bag without anyone noticing even though it was screamingly obvious. Bit like when you trip over something on the street, followed wi at casual swagger as if nothing happened. You felt bad for the guy so you didny want to say but someone ends up goin “here da, the pizza box scraped the flare anaw.” This sparks an evacuation, everyone's to stand in another room whilst da mops the floor. By this time, the pizza is cauld, soggy and off-putting because of the fear ae covid. 10 sheets that were as well being flushed down the lavy.

This was the sortae patter folk were up to whilst Wine Tuesdays and Champagne Fridays were hapnin in Downing Street.

You’ll be wondering why I used the pantomime analogy… that was about the conversation to follow in our sacred parliament in Westminster. The womb of democracy. A place where our political influence worldwide is cherished by many. The epitome of sophistication, if you will…

Starmer: “You were at the party!”

Johnson: “Oh no I wasn’t!”

Starmer: “Oh yes you were!”

Johnson: “Oh no I wasn’t!”

Starmer: “Oh yes you were! You’re taking us for fools!”

Johnson: “Oh no I’m not!”

And this essentially went on for three weeks. People shouting, laughing, mocking and even groaning at each other. It was like the London Zoo had come to town. Except, you’d have had mare clarity of information at the London Zoo.

Meanwhile, Nicola Sturgeon is granting £300,000 to local councils to improve air ventilation in Scottish schools… encouraging, if necessary, to cut off the bottom of classroom doors. Halfords will be rubbing their hands.

Douglas Ross went in on her yesterday at First Minister’s Questions. Mocking the ‘£300,000 DIY job’ Sturgeon is planning. He asks the FM why two years into the pandemic, in which the Scottish Government had plenty of time to make schools fit for purpose, she’s sending people in to chop off the bottom of classroom doors… laughing at how preposterous a suggestion it is.

After the carry on in recent weeks south of the border, viewers were hoping for a bit of normality up in Scotland and this is the conversation we’re braced with.

Sturgeon asked Ross to be grown-up about it. She insists that the Scottish Government are simply giving local authorities the financial means to “do what they consider necessary” to improve airflow and ventilation in schools. This isny an order to chop off all classroom doors, but rather to suggest that “if a door is hung in a way it’s inhibiting the natural flow of air, one of the options a local authority should have is to rectify that.”

Pointing to fire safety concerns, Ross and the Conservatives have continued to mock the idea.

Regardless of your view on the idea, there really is only one man that can save Scotland now…

Bob the Builder.

At a time when people are concerned about feeding their families as their leckie bill becomes unaffordable, this hasny been a great look for the political class.

Thankfully Anas Sawar of Labour steered the conversation back into normality at FMQs yesterday, asking what the Scottish Government was going to do about the cost of living crises. Energy bills are going up by almost £700 and the UK government have promised a loan of £200 to struggling families… I toiled for my standard grade maths eh but it doesny take a wiz kid to work out that’s an awfy shaudy plaster for the size ae that gash.

Sawar accused the Scottish Government of “playing politics” and “lacking in ambition” to use the powers they have to tackle the cost of living. He cites the ability to top up winter fuel payments, put a windfall tax on energy companies and stop rising rail and water charges. All the while, companies like Shell are profiting daft amounts.

Sturgeon says that the UK government has used the North East as a “cash cow” for decades instead of putting in place a tax system in which companies with the broadest shoulders chip in a fair amount… saying that “real progress” would be made if these powers were in the hands of the Scottish parliament.

She also pointed to establishing a £41m Winter Support Fund, £10m to help folk struggling with bills including access to top up vouchers & £21m to local authorities to support those with financial insecurity. Actions she cites as “well ahead” of other UK nations.

Addressing the rail and water charge suggestion, she replied by saying rail and water charges are lower than anywhere else in the UK.

Yer probably hinkin right what’s happening down south then? Surely they areny just talking about lockdown parties two years ago?

Aw, dinnae you worry… Johnson threw a false accusation about Starmer failing to prosecute Jimmy Saville at PMQs. That’s what they’re talking about now.

Give me strength man. We’re hinkin ae packing in the politics and talking about sutn else.

Want to keep up to date with big issues in Scotland? Try getting the headphones in and listening to the Untribal Podcast.


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